


What Am I?

by 13ineedpills13



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Arranged Marriage, Bad Ending, Character Death, Demons, Dialogue Heavy, Drinking, Flashbacks, Gender Confusion, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderless, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Other, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Stabbing, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Violence, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:48:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/13ineedpills13/pseuds/13ineedpills13
Summary: A story about a (female by birth) non-binary reader,  who desperately tries to figure out what is "wrong" with them and deal with their arranged marrige with the crown prince at the same time. Feeling like the love and the things they feel about their gender is evil, dealing with the roles that were given to them by birth and grieving their past lover, while enduring their abusive parents becomes too much for them.And on the night of the wedding, they meet their "peaceful" end.---This is not a story with a good ending.Read the tags before deciding whether or not to read it please.---As a cis woman myself, I apologize in advance if I screwed up writing this lmaoI just wanted to write a story with a non-binary character and write down their struggles.Maybe I'll write a second chap idkInspired by Sondepoch's "Have Strength, My Lady".
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	What Am I?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sondepoch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sondepoch/gifts).



You were a beautiful... person.  
Not a woman, not a man.  
You may be a woman on the outside, but that title just didn't sit well with you.

You sigh and you look at your low-cut white dress with a V-Line, exposing the swell of your breasts in the mirror. The dress was sent to your house with a black lilly flower to attach to your chest, symbolising who's property you were going to become soon. The dress itself was nothing extravagant, since your father specifically said that he didn't want his daughter to wear somethind super detailed and eye catching. To not get the attention of other men's eyes that were going to be present at the wedding ceremony of course. Though the dress fitted your hips and butt a little too snugly for his liking. But he didn't say anything, today was your happy day in his eyes. 

But instead of being excited that you were going to become the wife of the crown prince, you were tired. Uncomfortable. But most importantly, angry. Angry at your mother and father for blindly agreeing to this stupid marrige. For blindly throwing their child away at the hands of someone they didn't know personally. You felt like your hands and feet were tied up, your wings were ripped off. You were gagged so you wouldn't say anything unnecessary. When in reality, you wanted to scream and throw a fit. You wanted to take the first person under your hands and smash their face into the nearest wall. And most important of it all, you wanted to punch the smug and confident face of that prince. 

Everything was happening agganist your own will. You had a dream to be someone useful to the society, help the poor and convince the rich to help them as well. You wanted to at least finish your education at RAD. But instead, you were going to become the fancy concubine of a red headed asshole. You scream at your maids, kicking them out from your room and sit by your bed, trying to calm your nerves.

"Calm down... 4 more hours. 4 more hours, and this whole thing will be over. You can avoid him before the talk of children comes up couple centuries later... You will live in riches, you will be fine..." You desparetely try to convince yourself, but it doesn't work. The thought of having to bow down to someone else other than your own insecurities was killing you from the inside like the white plague. You were a pride demon after all. With a huff, you throw your expensive high heels (also a gift from that stupid prince) at the wall. But instead of the wall, you end up shattering your mirror instead. Shards of it scatter around the ground, and a rather big piece ended up right by your feet.

This.. isn't it.  
There is no love in here.

Yes, marrying to a literal prince without your commitment and consent was bad enough. But under all that rage, something else was bugging you. It wasn't on your mind most of the time, since you had accepted it already. But... it bothered you. It hurt you. And seeing your face in that mirror shard reminded you of your situation once more. Your reflection in the mirror was never the same as your... how do you put it... how you felt like.

You weren't given any education in topics like this, and had no idea what this condition was. So you always thought this was normal at first, during your childhood years. You looked at other girls and boys and wondered... Which people were you going to play with? Girls? Boys? You had no idea. You wore a dress, and other girls wore a dress too. So it would be natural if you joined them. But at the same time, you wanted to hang out with the boys. You thought all boys and girls felt like this and then did what they wanted. 

But you always felt anxious and hesitant. You didn't like wearing dress, because the other girls wore dresses. But you didn't want to wear bow-ties and cravats like the boys wore as well. You felt like you didn't belong to anywhere. So one day, you decide to steal your father's clothes and try them on besides your mirror, and cut your hair with a pair of paper scissors. You looked at your reflection for a while, quietly thinking.

No...  
No, this wasn't it.  
You didn't want this.  
You didn't feel like yourself at all.  
Getting teary eyed and scared, you sink to the ground and pull your knees to your chest. Just what was wrong with you? Why didn't you like being a boy, when you clearly didn't want to be a girl? You were scared of your self, fearing what your father and mother would've said if they knew how you were feeling. They would be disappointed, angry at you for not being a normal child. They would say you are ill, and desparetely try to cure you with doctors. They would hate you for it. They would tell you you'd never be a good girl worthy of their love.

This isn't it. There is no love in here.

You were just a child... Somehow, these thoughts were already circulating inside your brain. It was as if your soul knew what was wrong from the start, and refused to heal itself. All of your wounds were healing themselves by their own. Then why was this feeling of being out of place always existed within you? Just why? Countless "why"s eventually led up to a heavy depression, starting from the tender age of 12. Your mother noticed this, and pulled you aside to hug you. She told you she would be your mother no matter the circumstances. And asked you what was wrong, while pulling a few strands of hair out of your face. 

You trusted her.  
So you told her what have you felt in details. Everything you felt up until now. Your heart never stopped racing. You were nervous, almost as if you wanted to throw up. Your voice quivered as you spoke more and more, you noticed how her expression changed as you continued to speak. Getting alarmed, you swallow and avert your eyes, trying to change the subject and stop talking about it. Saying this was just a nightmare you had. 

Your mother, on the other hand, forced you to spill everything with an angry tone. Her voice got gradually louder as you refused, you could feel how tight her grip on your shoulders and arms were. Those were the most stressful minutes of your life. So much, that it made you tear up just thinking about it. It made you tremble, made you scratch your scalp until it bled as you cried quietly. Your mother screamed at your face that day, telling where you learned all this stuff. You told her you didn't learned it from anywhere, your voice was trembling with both fear and sadness. This was just how you were like from the earliest moment you could remember.

You began crying quietly with each hurtful remark she threw at you, and finally started to sob when she let go of your arm, going over to your father's study. You ran after her begged her to not tell this to your father, hanging onto her skirts and crying uncontrollably. You were scared of being beaten up, or whatever punishment your father had for you. She threw you away as if you were a pest and told you to not touch her, then continued to walk.

From that day, you were only allowed to talk to girls. You weren't allowed to have social media, anything your mother considered boyish, and could only wear feminine clothing. The reason why your father agreed on the engagement this fast was for you to learn your place as a woman, plus it was profitable for him. He squeezed your wrist with fury when you opposed to his idea, shaking you violently and raising his hand. This one gesture made you tremble and cover your head with your free hand, crouching on the floor a little. He stopped right before his hand came in contact with your body, and threw you away in anger, sighing.

You got your temper from your father. But still, you were no match for him.

"You are going to marry with his highness when I tell you to." He said, harshly. "You are my daughter, not my son. I have every right on you. And if you shame my name when you marry his highness, I will make sure you face a fate worse than death."

...These were the last words he spoke with you before he left you all alone with your mother in the living room. You put your hands over your face and quietly sob.

This isn't it. There is no love in here.

You jolt out of your bed when one of the maids enter timidly and scream, shocked at what you've just done. Your hair was a mess, your make-up was completely ruined from crying, and the tips of your dress had small blood smudges in them, likely from your bare feet pressing agganist the ground filled with glass shards.

\---

It was finally time.  
You put on a fake smile as you walk through the marble tiles of the Ballroom in the huge castle of your soon-to-be-husband. Your wings and horns were on full display, fluttering gently with each step. You were the most beautiful person in Devildom that night, and yiu deserved to be. You, soon to be the crowned king of Devildom for your intelligence, good family name and looks... You, who is trapped inside this never ending cycle of internal conflict and slavery. You looked just like an elegant, beautiful doll made out of beeswax. However, with the lightest of flames, you were melting away. The fire, the wrath that sent your heart ablaze was not letting you be. It was melting you, destroying you from the inside. 

With each step, you were giving your freedom away...

But were you really that free to begin with?  
A small thought flashed inside your head, which made you smile back at him. Maybe this man could understand you and... He could be your escape route. Judging by the cover, that is. Finally, your husband-to-be and you met on the center of the stairs. This was the first time you two ever met. He looked... warmer than you imagined. Taller and far more good looking. His black and red tuxedo managed to make him look even more welcoming, and threatening at the same time. You know if you pissed him off enough, he had the power to snap your neck in half with ease.

"...We've finally met, my dear." He whispers at you, as the wedding parlor is busy doing his traditional speech and all the other traditions requiered for a royal member to marry. 

"...Yet you call me dear." You say with a small smile, making the man chuckle slightly. 

"Why shouldn't I? We are becoming newly-weds today... I am sorry on my family's behalf for rushing the engagement. I'm sure you were quite shocked by the news." 

At least this man had the decency to actually apologise and understand your feelings, you were glad for that. All of a sudden, your father's face pop up in your head. "Shame my name, and you will face a fate worse than death." The thought makes your smile fall, and your eyes fell on the floor, not gazing at him in the eye. The speech ends, and he takes your hand, planting a small kiss on each of your knuckles before finally getting on one knee. It was a sight to behold indeed. But you weren't mesmerized by it. Instead, every place he touched felt cold and dead, even though he was wearing gloves. The thought of sleeping in the same bed with this man made your eye twitch in disgust. As your hand tensed up inside his. He smiled and stroked the back of your hand with his thumb. The gesture made you want to punch him. You didn't want the warmth of this man.

But you still smile, nontheless.

"Do you, daughter of abyss and inner conflict, accept the son of His Royal Highness as your husband and swear to protect him in good and bad, sickness and health, Devildom and Earth, and lastly, night and day?"

You cringe a little at the way how the wedding officer pressed on the word "daughter", clenching your fist a little. You would've never thought that the day you would leave the eternal hell fire of a place you call home would be like this. Giving your partner the coldest and most distant smile you could manage, you let an empty "Yes." come out of your lips. You were determined to end everything soon, for real this time.

The rest of the celebrations went quite lively. People got drunk, laughed, created a mess... They were having a good time. Probably everyone except you. You sigh a little, and fix the dress on yourself, despite of wanting to cover up your body to never see it again, as it just wasn't the right one. Catching the attention of the Morningstar himself with your distressed state, he turns at you and puts a hand over your shoulder, smiling fondly... Or he was just happy for his friend. Who knew? 

"Is there something wrong, my queen?"

"No, no... Thank you for your concern." You flash a small smile. You knew, in celebrations like this, talking to people was important. But now that those things were done and everyone were enjoying themselves, you had nothing to do. Looking around awkwardly, you tried to find a familiar face to ask questions. Lucifer says your name with your title again, quieter this time. "You have no idea what to do next, don't you?" Lucifer smirks lightly, enough to show you that he is in a teasing mode. It was obvious he just chugged down 3 glasses of Demonus, and was feeling slightly tipsy.

"What do you mean?" You asked, confused. What did this cheeky guy with 50 sticks up his ass wanted from you?

"Where to go, how to feel, who to love, who to trust, who to be..." He said, emphasizing on the last part. "You really have no idea."

"Mind your own business." You say and frown. 

"Now now, those aren't polite words for a Queen. You have a reputation to hold, don't ruin it in the first 24 hours." He smirked, making you hold every urge to throw a chair at his face. Seriously, were you a pride demon? Or wrath?

"If the king's right hand man doesn't know how to handle his liquor and harrasses the Queen, I think he needs to worry about himself more than the Queen's way of speech." You calmly say, feeling your hand grip the armrest of the throne tightly. Your fingertips were getting white.

"...You caught me." The morningstar smiles, crossing his arms. "How did you guess I am drunk despite of never meeting me?"

"Your tie is loosened. Your nose is a bit pink, and you are leaning a little to your side, close to Diavolo's throne. You have trouble walking." You say and shrug lightly. "Anyone can guess it." 

You just wanted to leave and out everything behind you, and sleep. But you were stuck in this god damn party. YOUR party. You get up and turn around, attempting to walk out in secret. But that isn't exactly possible, considering you were the only one to wear white that night. The green haired headbutler caught you before you took 4 steps away from your throne and basically dragged you back there, saying you weren't allowed to leave until all the celebrations were over and all the guests left. Your mind goes back to your father again and you nod, mumbling a meek apology before sitting back on the throne. 

Even your fucking husband was nowhere to be seen, he was probably entertaining some guests... "Husband eh." You smile to yourself, knowing damn well that you had trust issues towards men after what happened with your family. So much, that it felt awkward to be in the same room with this many men... You wanted to curl back inside your old room and just sleep the pain away. The images of your previous lovers pass by your mind. Well, you just had one before, and it was a girl around the same age as you, one of your maids.

You weren't even allowed to leave your room for most of the week and butlers couldn't make any eye contact with you, or enter your room without a woman's company, so it wasn't like you had any communication with any of them. Your family has misunderstood your condition by thinking that you wanted to become a man, they didn't even listen to you when you tried to correct them. If they were punishing you for being like this, at least they should know the situation properly. Your mental illness... Well, you tried to correct them once stupidly, and all you got was a slap from your mother.

Funny, this all seemed like it happened years ago. But it was only a decade ago. You weren't even a married person for a few hours, and this all seemed so old to your eyes now. Including your lover...

You forgot her name, the only thing you could remember was her eyes... And the way she talked about how everyone thought you were the villain while you were actually the hero to her. You knew that your love was... evil. This might seem strange, since demons are supposed to be evil. But the reason why your parents despised you this much wasn't even because of religion, or they thought this was a cursed thing. No, they just straight up hated it and believed it was the wrong thing to do. It was too humanly. Only humans experienced things like this. Your thoughts drift back to her eyes again. Her beautiful eyes... Her hair, her amazing speech, her love... 

"Us being hand in hand would be enough to scare them away, you know?" You laughed at her words back then. But now, you fully understood what she meant. It was true, you two being in hand in hand really triggered the people around you. Your love for each other angered the other people around you. "They will spread gossip, telling everyone that I was the one that ruined you... Do you worry about it much?" She asked out of the blue one day, talking about her colleagues.

"Aren't YOU should be the one to be concerned about that?" You asked her as you laid down in her lap. She stroked your hair, smiling fondly at you. Years have passed, but you would never forget about that smile. A smile full of love, along with other things. Tenderness, affection and passion... you could go on about how much you loved her smile. 

"If it's for you, Mistress... Then I wouldn't mind it as long as you stay safe and healthy." She said, and you felt a drop on your cheek after. She was crying through her circle glasses. Her braided hair from two-sides has been a little messy lately, you've noticed it very fast. You run your hand through those messy braids, gently running your hand through them. She was so cute, she was everything you dreamed of your ideal partner to be like, but she was also so different from how you observed her at first. 

She was quiet, kind of like a bookworm type. But you knew she was from a poor family, and she didn't even have a decent education. She couldn't take care of herself without someone else's help, and the headbutler had taken her out of pity, to give her a place to stay. She, however, quickly rose up to the top and found her way through your heart. You learned that she was a wonderful conversation partner, and knew how to handle with other people well. She understood your feelings, about your past, about your body... She didn't know what it was either, but she understood and gave you a safe place, a shoulder to rest your head on.

"Let's not talk about all this boy and girl stuff... Let's talk about being sad and falling in love instead. That's what's important." She told you, making your heart tremble. Her slight southern accent and the way she quietly said these words made it hard to breathe. That was the last say you two had spent together. She got fired from her job and the restrictions on you became worse. The gossip that spread between you and that girl had reached to the headmaid's ears, and resulted in her getting thrown out in the middle of the night.

She wanted to make the last day you two spent together to be meaningful, she wanted it to be about emotions, instead of your confusions about your gender. They held no place in who yoy were on the inside. All of a sudden, the love you felt so evil again. You were the villain of the story. You were the bad guy, and you should he ashamed of it. Your entire point of existing is to be thrown off by the hero into a dirty ditch, never to be seen again. You were crazy, you were... disgusting. Everyone seek to defeat you. You were hated by life.

All of a sudden, a hand brushes a tear off of your cheek, caressing your cheek lovingly. You look up and meet with the golden eyes of the man you despised. They were soft, full of love. Despite of never meeting you before this wedding. You look around in your surroundings and feel your eyes widen. The guests were gone, and you were now sitting at the bed of this man. When had time passed this quickly, how you went from the throne to the bedside... you had no idea. The room was decorated in beautiful flowers, top quality scented candles, everything was gorgeous in your eyes. 

All of a sudden, you feel your tears streaming down your face at full speed, without giving you a chance to stop yourself. A muffled sob escapes your lips as you cover your face with your hands. All the flashbacks came back in full speed, the reason for this hatred towards you was always unclear. You were scared of what was awaiting you. Were you destined to live a life in this body, in this country, and in this situation? Was there a place for you to even belong? You then understand how it feels like to lose your wings, your freedom. All the things you felt up until now were the bitter pains one would get after many years from their own traumas, at least the wound would be closed by that time. 

But now? It was as if you were expriencing everything, at once, for the first time. It was as if blood was gushing out of your wounds, spilling into the ground. The freedom you craved for all the time was gone. Instead, hopelessness, reliance to other people and the never ending suffocation surroundered you, cornered you. It was tormenting you. You slam your fist into your lap in anger and shattered pride. "This isn't it, there is no love here!" You whisper one last time and try to calm down. You were the queen, and you were crying in front of the king like this? Really? 

You expected to be yelled at, or at least get disappointed looks from him, you expected him to slam the door behind him and call of the engagement, sending you back to that shit hole. The place where you would meet with a fate worse than death. The very thought sends alarm bells inside your head, and your sobs stop. A terrified silence filled you instead. You were afraid of what was going to happen.

"...These are not the cries of someone who is happy at all... These are tears od pure agony and fear." You hear the king say. You look up in panic, and the king was no longer there. He was gone too, closing the door behind himself.

\---

You hole yourself up in the corner of the room as you wait for the sun to shine. You trembled and whimpered the whole time like a wounded animal, your heart was racing. Your breathing was uneven, and your whole body felt like it was burning because it laid down in a pool of ice. It felt like you were going in and out of consciousness, and time was passing by very quickly. You still had your dress on and your face was stained in tears, your make up was ruined. Not that you wanted it anyway. But you were sure you looked like a disgusting fly. An irritating fly that flew around a pile of shit.

The room slowly lit up with the agonizing red trays of light from th3 dying sun, shining upon the Devildom ever so sorrowfully. You came back to your senses slowly after you notice that it was, in fact, morning. You look at the big clock on the wall, it was around 5 AM. The King wasn't back yet, you didn't expected him to. You actually prayed all night under shaky breaths and cries to the old man up in the clouds to guide you through this stupid "journey of life". You were just... Sick of everything.  
Sick of being the evil, the villain.  
Sick of getting countless of threats from your so called family.  
Sick of losing your loved ones.  
Sick of being stuck in a prison, whether it's your old house, your husband's castle, your dress, or just straight up your own skin. You just want to get rid of everything already.  
The promise you made to yourself comes back in an instant.  
You were going to end everything tonight. 

You look back at the clock and the sun outside, it was still rising. You still had time. You had limited time, you remind youself. Now it wasn't the time to hesitate. Now wasn't the time to reflect on your life, let your final moments be in peace. You were going to get a moment like this only once. But something inside you just didn't feel right. You wanted to at least leave a memory of yourself out there. Proof that you existed. Proof that you lived, and had emotions. 

So, getting a pen and a big notebook from the drawer, you begin to write a suicide note. That simple, 100 words long note turned into a 1,000 word summary of your feelings and love, and then that turned into a 3,500 words long essay about what went wrong in your life. 

You then write two simple requests.  
One asking for this paper to be published publicly to let everyone know what had went in your life, and the other one simply requested for a cremation, and wanted your ashes to be thrown away in the sea, instead of being given to your family. That sea-side was... Where you first met her. You look up at the clock, you've given up at finishing this thing before the sunrise. You could end everything today as well, the timing didn't mattered as long as you were alone. 

You put the notebook open on the bed and put the pen next to it. You smile as your eyes sprint back to the handles of the clock, it was 7;21 now. You also noticed the sharpness of the handles. It wasn't like there were any other things that could be used as a weapon in there to do the deed. So you walk up to the clock and smash it, breaking it into pieces in an instant. You heard footsteps approaching, you had to be fast. It was now, or never. You didn't feel anything as you quickly tool the big handle of the clock, golden, heavy, and sharp in your hands. You couldn't wait to cover it up in your own blood. Now, all you needed was to stab yourself in the heart, giving yourself a wound enough to be fatal even for a human.

You were just about to stab it inside your chest when that annoying spinach head of a headbutler gets in without a knock, shocked to see you awake and about to stab yourself right from your left breast. You stare at him angrily, the knif- clock handle was just about to pierce through your chest when he entered. It did pierce through your dress and drew a tiny stream of blood, staining your dress, but you managed to stop yourself from completely slamming it inside when he entered.

"...At least knock before you enter." You say, clearing your throat midway when you felt the raspiness of your throat.

"M... My queen... You..." The butler's face shifts into a one of rage in a matter of seconds and he walks to your side, snatching the clock handle from you very easily. He throws it out of the open window, kicking the remains of the clock itself aside and pulls you by your wirst, making you sit on the bed forcefully. He stands by your side, glaring and crossing his arms. This was the most emotion you've seen out of him up until now. You thought he was a robot the moment you saw him, his face was always blank and his tone was monotone, and he always gave polite smiles when the situation called for it.

You get mad at yourself as the butler demands an explanation from you. You literally tried to kill yourself a few seconds ago, you had a chance of being handed back to your parents, an you are worried about his emotions? Really? You should've just ended the job quickly, instead of getting mad at him.

.  
.  
.  
Is what you wanted the situation to be like, but no. The clock handle slammed in right inside your chest as you gave Barbatos a small smile, before collapsing on the ground, choking blood and wheezing in pain while clutching your chest. You blood was gushing out of tour would, your (literally) wounded heart was disturbed. The handle went in right between your 3rd and 4th ribs, piercing your heart. You saw the butler dropping the whatever tray he held in his hand on the floor with huge shatter and his mouth moved, obviously yelling your name as he ran towards you, you tried to hear his name before you completely blacked out.

"Barbatos...?" Your voice comes out shaky and drowned, obviously from your throat being filled up with blood. Your vision goes completely black after that.

Have you finally achieved freedom?  
Maybe.

\---

**Author's Note:**

> Should i write a second chap  
> Like do you all accept the bad ending lol
> 
> I am bisexual myself, and when I came out, I got in hella trouble. I still remember the humiliation and the fear I felt by my sister and mother, my mother even threatened me, saying that if I didn't "fix" myself and my father learned this, he would commit suicide. That fear is the worst. Once you exprience it, it sticks with you for years. I had my phone taken away, I had to break up with my partner (my ex-partner prefers they-them pronouns so yea), and I became the disgrace in the family. They believe I magically turned straight once again. That's the only way they accept their daughter I guess.
> 
> For my non-binary and the other LGBTQ+ friends out there; Please be strong for your own sake. Don't give up and let the others pull you down. If you are underage, focus on getting the fuck out of there. Please don't be like the mc in this fic lmao  
> Family is found after all.


End file.
